k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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