i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
After tacos, we're chasing women.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
