He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
