Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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