Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
