I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize