i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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