my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
