You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
