We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
