He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
