The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
