My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
