so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
