i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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