why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize