so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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