Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
