Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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