We won't sleep together?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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