don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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