saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
