Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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