he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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