Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
