Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Randomize
