I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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