420 ftw
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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