so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
