I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
