Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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