forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
