I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize