So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
