TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
