I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize