I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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