she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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