Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
