my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
