A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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