I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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