I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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