hotel room ftw
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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