We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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