I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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