When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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