You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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