I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
