just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize