I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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