Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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