Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
