Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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