i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
sarcasm needs its own font
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
