Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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