Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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